what happened to me yesterday
okay, so yesterday, I was crying really hard after my brother yelled at me because I didn’t want to accompany my mom to her medical appointment. I was too tired — I had just gotten home from my IELTS course. It might sound petty, but I had barely rested for an hour before being told to get ready, and I just didn’t have the energy. When I refused, my brother yelled at me, called me egoistic, said my excuses were nonsense, and started comparing how he was “stronger” because he commutes and all that. I completely lost control and ended up crying excessively in my room.
At some point, I broke down so badly that I hurt myself, I scratched my thigh with a cutter repeatedly, and I also cut my hair very short out of frustration. I was crying really loudly while trying to fix a DVD player file that contained my mom’s MRI results. I also sent some harsh messages to my mom, and when she checked on me, things didn’t go well. She ended up crying when she saw me. She told me she never hated me, and my sister tried to comfort me and hugged me, too.
I’m not going to focus too much on what they said, it was mostly the usual comforting words, and maybe I wasn’t really paying attention. But they were genuinely trying to comfort me, and both of them were crying for me. I feel bad… honestly, I feel embarrassed about myself, but in the end, my mom scolded my brother.
Part of me thinks this could’ve been prevented if my brother hadn’t yelled or if my mom had told him I was tired, since my sister was already planning to accompany her to the hospital. On the other hand, I did feel somewhat comforted that my mom and sister took my mental outburst seriously instead of trying to pin me down. They gave me the usual religious advice, but this time I wasn’t that annoyed, maybe because they were genuinely shocked by the state I was in. Still, I wish it hadn’t taken something like this for them to realize how I felt. part of me also thinking, this could be preventable if my brother didn't yell at me or my mom tried to tell my brother that I am tired so no need to accompanying her when my sister will ride her into the hospital.
I know they weren’t entirely at fault, my mom was probably scared to speak up to my brother, and it means a lot that she felt sad for me. But I can’t help feeling like I want to live far away from them someday. Anyway, I’ll try to get therapy and keep taking my meds. I don't know I hope this can be catalyst for change, because it seems my mom kinda feel something when she saw me in my worst state like I hope she can change in good way & I think I just want to leave this house as fast as possible, so please pray that I can get decent job soon :")